I moved the blog - The Journey of Rain Star to its own area! You can find it here :) - The first 2 episodes are still below but future ones will be posted in the new area.
If you haven't read Episode 1 yet - you can find it here.
Before diving back into singledom I asked myself the all important question: What do you want right now? Not in the future, not for forever… but right this second. And my first answer was: experiences. All kinds of experiences. Sexual and otherwise. Relationships with no jealousy, no ownership and no messy emotions.
The two things I knew that I did NOT want, I quickly relayed to potential lovers. I am not interested in processing anything - not their issues or mine. I’m not interested in listening to anyone complain about anything banal, especially if there’s not solution, like how bad the traffic is. And please, do not bemoan your life to me. My last relationship destroyed all patience relating to such subject matters. If people need to complain they can do so to their significant other, friends who don’t mind or a trained professional. But not to Rain Star. Communication about likes and dislikes, safe sex and the like is great but do not try and process your feelings with me. Do not text me incessantly. Do not ask me how my day was. My friends were surprised at how many people were okay with my boundaries, I was not.
In a society where many people are looking for a significant other they can siamese twin with, I think there’s a large percentage who are not. There are people who have already built in that type of healthy support group. Others with whom they have a give and take where emotional processing is concerned. I want something different. I already have a processing tribe and I’m not looking to add more people to it.
I always labeled myself as bisexual but I’m actually pansexual. I don’t care if a person is male, female, non-binary/agender, trans, cis, queer or genderqueer. A person’s gender or lack thereof has nothing to do with my attraction to them.
I had also labeled myself as poly but have recently found out that I am non-monogamous, which takes many forms. My current choice is not developing an emotional attachment (such as becoming someone’s poly primary or secondary and abiding by all the rules/emotions/processing that may go along with that). I’m interested in having fun aka experiences with people that respect me and visa versa. Another term bandied around is — ethical slut. But the word slut has far too many shameful connotations, doesn’t it?
One of my fantasies has always been to be a couple’s third so that’s where I began my journey. I’ve had threesomes before but they were more like one-night stands. This time around I’m looking for something ongoing with the same couple. I found several dating apps and sites for couples looking for a unicorn and promoted myself as such. This is how I met Couple X. I also met quite a few single men looking to bang but after interviewing several I picked two to three, and stopped taking applications. There is no lack of single men looking to shag.
Two of the “single” men have a myriad of different play partners, some of whom I have met and others whom I have not. What they all have in common is their desire to experiment and experience without the strappings of a conventional relationship. This smorgasbord is currently, filling all my needs. I can accept a date or not and no one pressures me, guilts me or gets butthurt. The “single” partners have girl #2, 3, 4, and 5 to call when I’m not available. Couple X has couple A, B or C to call. For Rain Star, this is a dream come true.
In episode 1 I mentioned introducing Couple X in this episode but I’m keeping these to 500 (or so) words and needed to explain the set up and what I was looking for so stay tuned for next week’s episode - Orgy 1, Part 1.
Episode 1 = the why.
Episode 2 = the how.
New blogging plan — For the next few months I am embarking on a fun project suggested by my most favorite cousin ❣️ Documenting a life lived by one of my alter-egos, named Rain Star. This series will follow Rain through a life of self discovery — much of it steamy, some of it tame, all of it real.
Episode 1 by Chloe Adler
My name is Rain. Rain Star. Is that the name I was born with? Certainly not but it’s as real as any name given to a child by their parents. It’s my name because I adopted it, because my life, up until now was a constant shower. I walked through the world, soaking wet. Exposed and raw. Beaten and scared. Shaken and alone. I saw no way out, only forward. And yet, my determination led me to put one foot in front of the other and always, reach toward the stars. So yes, this is my name because this is the name I lived, I fought for, I cried puddles of tears for and I chose for myself. Rain—to never forget where I came from, the painful puddle of spit and tears. Star—for what I’m striving to become. My personal journey, one that will propel me upward, toward the sky and into the universe to shine as brightly as the most brilliantly known objects in our world.
My last romantic relationship almost killed me. People can hide their crazy for a long time, even when it seeps from their seams. I blame myself. I chose to ignore it for so long but ignoring it didn’t make it go away. Ignoring it didn’t make it less true or less terrifying. I have a history of abuse that stems back from early childhood. First my parents, then my husband, then a few past partners (but not all and I’m still close friends with the ones that treated me well). I’ve had more long term relationships than not. Several 1 year, a few 3 to 6 years and one close to 20. I’ve lived with several partners long term, longer than I’ve lived alone.
But the one thing that followed me through 90% of my relationships is an abuse pattern and falling in love with addicts. These pathologies fit like a well worn glove, comfortable and familiar. Is it what I want? What I truly want? Of course not! I want what’s healthy. I want what’s pure. I want unconditional love. Do I believe that exists? YES, because I’ve seen it!
I have a list of the healthy couples I know. Everyone’s definition of a healthy relationship differs so I’ll define mine. No bickering, in public or private. No dish rags — one partner being overbearing and the other kowtowing to avoid conflict. Instead, healthy, respectful communication. Mutuality. Acceptance and understanding. No jealousy, no control, no power plays, no judgment. But we don’t really know what goes on behind closed doors so some people on my list, fell off after I spent time with them and saw the way they relate to one another is not my definition of healthy.
The end of my last relationship was a thousand times worse than the darkest moments of the relationship itself. It’s been so nasty in fact that it demolished every ounce of “good” and every positive memory I ever had about that person. Now, five months later with zero contact on my part, he’s still unable to leave me alone and move on, stalking me with a fervor that puts my sociopathic ex-husband to shame. This person’s uncontrollable rage has kept me silent for months, terrified to speak my truth because of his constant, aggressive, harassment and insanity. I’ve filed a police report--the police have informed me that his behavior is identified as stalking and borders on criminal. I have blocked him everywhere possible. When he finds ways around my blocks (incessantly) to contact me, I don’t read anything but turn it all over to the police who have asked me to document all of it. I’ve spoken to a lawyer and the battered women’s shelter who encourage me to file a restraining order. I am willing to do that in order to get this person out of my life forever. Why someone thinks that trying to hurt another by putting them down over and over and over while building themselves up into some monumental, false God will ever work out well for them, is beyond me.
In the meantime, I did what any healthy, subjugated female would do. I swore off relationships and went on a rampage of sexual exploration. This is the story of Rain Star’s self discovery… in 500/ish word installments 😘 In the next installment I will introduce you to an amazing couple that invited me into their lives and their bedroom. They’ve re-ignited my belief in positive, healthy relationships by showing me, first-hand, what mutuality truly looks like. So come, traipse through bedrooms, hotel rooms and sex clubs with the sex positive, ethical non-monogamous and poly people I've had the utmost pleasure of meeting!
Thank you for reading my journey of self-discovery, because it’s never too late to start your own and build your harem (AKA community of healthy, like-minded people) 😉
So often in my life I've been that person who's overextended. I spent as long as I can remember always saying yes, even when I wanted to say no, especially when I wanted to say no. In retrospect I realize it was people-pleasing and codependency. If someone needed something or invited me somewhere I couldn't turn them down. I may disappoint them. This was my life for a very long time and I'd get resentful for not getting my own needs met, which is no one's responsibility but my own.
There are two times in my life when I said no, to pretty much everything. The first time was in medical school. Studying took priority after all.
And then again, when the writing deadlines started to pile up, no became my go-to word. I couldn't possibly do this or go there if a manuscript was due in a week or two. This has been the last two years of my life. During the five years it took me to get my masters in school, I looked back and felt I'd missed out on life. I don't want that to happen while I'm writing. This may not be my only job right now (I still have the day job) but it is the one I want for the long haul and saying yes to things that light me up is part of tending my garden.
So this past week I said yes to two fun things. I went to see the long standing San Francisco night club musical, Beach Blanket Babylon. I've lived in the Bay Area for over half my life and yet I'd never seen it before. If a close friend hadn't invited me, I would never have even thought of it. That was one very fun yes.
And then on Sunday night some new friends invited me to see the band, Smashing Pumpkins, who I've always loved. I'm not a spontaneous person at all but I sucked it up and said yes. The concert was on Monday and it was incredible. These two events lit my fire and I've been able to get back to the editing with renewed vigor.
Neither of these events, or friends put any pressure on me. They simply invited me and let me decide. It was exactly what I needed. A slice of YES in order for everything else to fall back into place. Try it—if you usually say no to things, say yes and visa versa! You'll never know what unexpected magic will happen until you do.
I started writing Reverse Harem Romances a little over a year ago. I have one completed series, Tales From the Edge and another in progress plus a stand alone that releases next week in the Realms and Rebels Anthology - 22 books!!!
I was just posting in a group on FB where I asked the question - what's the number in your perfect harem? One person wrote - 7, one for each day of the week - which reminded me...
I had 7 once and no it's not something that's easily forgettable. I was involved with seven men at one time for awhile and that was my reasoning as well, one for each day of the week. They all knew about each other and they were all cool with it. Sounds like a dream come true? It was but I quickly got very tired! I often called them by the wrong name and had trouble keeping track of what I did with whom.
I did assign each one a night and since all my other nights were booked by the others, they couldn't deviate. I liked some more than others and though I've lost track of them now, I did stay friends with my favorite one for many years, even after he married an amazing woman, whom I also became friends with.
There is a reason I did this but the reason was based on healing a trauma that's not fun to talk about. But it worked! It was a fun experiment that I have no interest in repeating but I'm very glad I did it. Four men sounds more reasonable ;)
Seriously though I have had fun experimenting with many different trysts in my life - from mono to poly, from one partner to seven, from BDSM to vanilla, from menage to not. It helps round out my writing, interests, conversation and fun! #whychoose? #whynot?
I've had a rough go of it lately.
It turns out I had a cracked and infected tooth for the past 4 months. I had gone to the dentist several time complaining of jaw pain and tooth pain but we both thought it was from a recent crown. About five days ago the pain worsened but still I carried on, because that's what I do. A few days ago I was on the floor in more pain than I've experienced in a long time.
I've had tooth pain before but not like this. This was out of control. No dull aching here. Nope, this was a sharp, stabbing pain that wouldn't cease. I couldn't even scream or cry or moan or do much of anything. I couldn't drive or walk. It was the first day in my entire career as a health care practitioner that I called/texted and canceled all my patients. I've even gone into work twice in the past with migraines. There's a point to all of this - I'm getting there :)
In the end I went to the dentist and got it taken care of, or at least diagnosed and am now on antibiotics and pain killers with an appointment for an extraction or root canal.
The reason I'm telling you all this is because it circles around to a very important lesson that apparently, I'm still learning and that lesson is self care. I have a long history of putting other's needs before mine and even suffering silently while I care for them. My patients (who I love), my partners, my friends, my family, even my pets. Co-dependence at its finest.
And even when I was on the floor, I called the dentist and explained that I couldn't possibly come in that day because I had to go to work. But then I looked at my new tattoo, one I got this past week, the night before this debilitating tooth pain as a matter of fact and I called the dentist back and told her I was coming in immediately.
The tattoo I got is for self care, to remind me to put myself first. It's a version of a heart I draw and it's the not so subtle - look at me Chloe, what the F are you doing right now - reminder. So YAY, it worked, it IS working and I'm learning, day by day. Tomorrow I get the tooth taken care of :)
An Unedited Piece I wrote During Rachael Herron's Amazing Writing Class in Venice Italy, 2018
When the observer becomes the observed can be looked at as a dance between two partners. Although I didn’t experience that when I was observing, I have experienced it many times in the past, as I labeled myself a people watcher in my 20’s and 30’s.
There is something haunting and beautiful about this imagery, this exchange of energy. When we observe other people we are adding narratives to their lives that don’t truly exist. They may exist for someone somewhere but not for the person or people we are watching.
What then is our story as seen and interpreted by the outsider? Who are we if we are watched, judged and juried by our peers without even a word exchanged. Am I ever seen as a magical fairy princess by a child? A martyr or spinster by a man? A mother of fifteen children by a nun? Is there something in every single one of us that carries a kernel of truth by the observed? Everyone has a story, real or imagined. Everyone has a past, full of wants, desires, suffering, joy and love. So there’s the commonality of it all. Humans trying to make sense of each other in whatever way we can. And what are the different ways each person observes? Does one look at you and think “she reminds me of my sister or my mother or a teacher I had in fifth grade.” Does another think, “I wonder what her life is like or if I could walk a day in her shoes.” Does a third have a blank slate and only see what we’re wearing and register our eyes?
What do I notice in another person? What stories do I make up? What stories do I tell? Am I looking at everyone as a potential character in a book or as a blank canvas of which to add the paint, the touches of color, the burnt sienna of their long hair, the crystalline ocean wave of their eyes, the majestic way of their carriage? Is what I notice from each person different, depending on them or dependent on myself and my mood? My thoughts of the moment? Do I see their clothes or their life? And even when we know someone, someone we’ve conversed with for as long as we can remember, do we truly know them? Or do we only know what they want to show us, what they want us to see?
This always leads me back to my father who has never truly seen me and it’s as much my fault as his. I pretended, my entire life, to be someone he would love and be proud of, yet he never did and he never was. I was a story he told and a false one at that. I was a made up caricature and it hurt me to my core.
So how am I different? Making up stories for all who surround me? For those I know and love to those I only watch while they pass. The woman and her dog? I deemed her cruel or too old to care for him. Too out of touch with his feelings. Such is life, merely a story we tell ourselves.
In my weekly newsletters I share exclusive author musings and content that I don't ever post here so if you want some fun creative writing, personal insights and every so often - a cut scene, please subscribe to the Edge!
So yes, I've been back and inundated with editing Blazing Light and also a novella, Inconceivable Origin, for a new Reverse Harem Anthology (Realms and Rebels) for a little over a month. This means I haven't been writing anything NEW and since that's my happy place, I have been challenged. The good news is that I got Inconceivable Origin finished and my editor loved it. The bad news is that I'm still editing Blazing Light and it's pretty much due tomorrow. The good news is that I get to start writing new content on Wednesday!!! THIS WEDNESDAY! I will be outlining the second book in the Chronicles of Tara Trilogy (Synergist) - the fairie RH and writing a smoking hot short for Carina Press.
During editing mode, most things fall to the wayside. This past few weeks though I've been able to edit sitting out in the sun in my "garden", edit at my standing desk, edit on my couch, keep up with the day job, take the dog for walks and watch a little mindless television. I've gone through several audio books and a few hours of therapy sessions :)
Life has proven challenging in other ways but that's always when we learn and grow the most. Even though I prefer even-keel with no drama, it can lead to stagnation. Since returning from Italy I haven't been motivated to blog much. I've journaled a lot, started a new writing class to do with productivity, meditating and finding/making time to re-group.
This summer will be filled with work but I'm trying to fit in some time to visit friends close by, go to museums, see movies and maybe even do this thing people call relaxing.
I've been busy as of late. Busy and a tad overwhelmed. The day job is great and I love it, I really do but it wears me out. Helping others, which is what I've always dreamed of doing, takes its toll. This particular toll = time and massive amounts of energy.
I was just talking to a patient about one of my favorite topics - traveling or better yet - relocating! We live in the most expensive place in the world and I was telling her that I work 12-14 hours a day, 7 days a week just to be able to afford living here. But if I moved anywhere else I could write full time and actually have days off to play in the sun or the snow. In the meantime I am looking for ways to "fill the well" - pull in the energy, space and drive to keep going day after day after day.
It's always been travel for me because I can't seem to carve out the time to sit still when I'm here at home.
The future - I've been ready to leave California for awhile but I know it's still not quite the right time so I keep plugging away, akin to actually sticking my finger into an electrical socket, surging with energy and then burning up to a blackened crisp.
The way to combat overwork and come back to center, IMO (as I said above), is to travel when one can - even a day in the mountains, forest or beach can rejuvenate!
In a week I'll be in Italy for the first time in many years. Sure, it's for work but since I haven't gone anywhere in 2 years I'm counting this as a vacation too. A working vacation!
I'll post pics on Instagram and I'll probably blog about it as well :)
I'd love to hear what you do to fill yourself up? Feed your passion and fire, fill your creative well, nourish your soul...
I like to tell my Oscar Story because IMO it’s an important one. So here goes and I hope no one will judge me for this but if they do, there’s nothing I can do about it. I’m all about just throwing up some truth right now.
The Prologue: I grew up in Los Angeles. I grew up with famous actors, it was the norm. Sally Fields and Burt Reynolds drove me to school (not everyday, they were in our carpool). I was friends with Frank Zappa’s daughter Moon and one easter Frank chased me around his living room with his boa constrictor (that sounds all kinds of wrong but it was an actual snake). I went to school with many famous people who were in many big name movies. I grew up playing on the beach with Brooke Shields. My father was a healthcare person and treated people like Keanu Reeves and David Bowie. The list goes on. I knew so many “famous” people that I can’t remember them all and they were just regular people to me because, in actuality, they are just regular people.
Act I: The Oscars were a huge deal in my house. Every year we watched them and my mom made her famous caviar, sour cream, onion and egg dip (sounds gross but it was amazing). We watched all the movies prior to the event. Nowadays both my mother’s partner and my brother-in-law are part of the academy (one was an editor and the other is an award winning sound designer) so they get screeners but back then it was just the family going to the movies. A week or so before, the LA Times would print the list of who was up for what. We’d snip it and we’d make our predictions. Then we’d sit together and watch, starting early so we could see what everyone wore on the red carpet. This was back in the day of Joan Rivers' pre-show and Barbara Walters' post show. We’d oooh and ahhh at the clothing. Then we’d sit back and watch the show. It held a special fondness for me. Big time. Why? Because it was the one night of the year that my family actually got along. Don’t violin me right now, it’s true and now that I’m a grown ass woman, it’s no longer sad.
Act II: After I left home - I tried for years and years to carry on the tradition. I held oscar parties and went to them. I made my mother’s caviar dip. One year I invited a group of people, the same group that celebrated with me every year. I spent more money than I made in a week at that time on food for the party. I cleaned the house, I even ordered cable because I didn’t have it at the time. I dressed up - oh yes this was part of the tradition as well. I made all the food, I had champagne, the works. And no one showed up. It was pouring rain and I had moved outside of the city and no one came. They each called, one by one, and flaked. I felt sorry for myself over that for about ten years. I never threw another party. But — it’s okay because what I learned was more important.
The Epilogue: I didn’t watch the Oscars this year. I didn’t even try. I edited a book instead. I didn’t see any of the movies except Get Out, which I loved. My mother called me the night of—to watch it with me over the phone but I didn’t know because I was working. This was the first year I didn’t try to watch them. The first year I decided it no longer matters. I can officially let go of my memory of that perfect moment (now in the past) and I can move forward to create other, better, perfect moments. Moments that are more meaningful and not based on how much money one is wearing or how famous one is or what someone looks like on that red carpet. Because that’s not what’s important and I’m ashamed that for me, it ever was.
Author Chloe Adler
Here are some musings - Nothing fancy - no outline and no editor - just some stream of consciousness. If you're looking for the Journey of Rain Star (blog/story) you can find it here. If you want to read my books, please go here :)