New blogging plan — For the next few months I am embarking on a fun project suggested by my most favorite cousin ❣️ Documenting a life lived by one of my alter-egos, named Rain Star. This series will follow Rain through a life of self discovery — much of it steamy, some of it tame, all of it real.
Episode 1 by Chloe Adler
My name is Rain. Rain Star. Is that the name I was born with? Certainly not but it’s as real as any name given to a child by their parents. It’s my name because I adopted it, because my life, up until now was a constant shower. I walked through the world, soaking wet. Exposed and raw. Beaten and scared. Shaken and alone. I saw no way out, only forward. And yet, my determination led me to put one foot in front of the other and always, reach toward the stars. So yes, this is my name because this is the name I lived, I fought for, I cried puddles of tears for and I chose for myself. Rain—to never forget where I came from, the painful puddle of spit and tears. Star—for what I’m striving to become. My personal journey, one that will propel me upward, toward the sky and into the universe to shine as brightly as the most brilliantly known objects in our world.
My last romantic relationship almost killed me. People can hide their crazy for a long time, even when it seeps from their seams. I blame myself. I chose to ignore it for so long but ignoring it didn’t make it go away. Ignoring it didn’t make it less true or less terrifying. I have a history of abuse that stems back from early childhood. First my parents, then my husband, then a few past partners (but not all and I’m still close friends with the ones that treated me well). I’ve had more long term relationships than not. Several 1 year, a few 3 to 6 years and one close to 20. I’ve lived with several partners long term, longer than I’ve lived alone.
But the one thing that followed me through 90% of my relationships is an abuse pattern and falling in love with addicts. These pathologies fit like a well worn glove, comfortable and familiar. Is it what I want? What I truly want? Of course not! I want what’s healthy. I want what’s pure. I want unconditional love. Do I believe that exists? YES, because I’ve seen it!
I have a list of the healthy couples I know. Everyone’s definition of a healthy relationship differs so I’ll define mine. No bickering, in public or private. No dish rags — one partner being overbearing and the other kowtowing to avoid conflict. Instead, healthy, respectful communication. Mutuality. Acceptance and understanding. No jealousy, no control, no power plays, no judgment. But we don’t really know what goes on behind closed doors so some people on my list, fell off after I spent time with them and saw the way they relate to one another is not my definition of healthy.
The end of my last relationship was a thousand times worse than the darkest moments of the relationship itself. It’s been so nasty in fact that it demolished every ounce of “good” and every positive memory I ever had about that person. Now, five months later with zero contact on my part, he’s still unable to leave me alone and move on, stalking me with a fervor that puts my sociopathic ex-husband to shame. This person’s uncontrollable rage has kept me silent for months, terrified to speak my truth because of his constant, aggressive, harassment and insanity. I’ve filed a police report--the police have informed me that his behavior is identified as stalking and borders on criminal. I have blocked him everywhere possible. When he finds ways around my blocks (incessantly) to contact me, I don’t read anything but turn it all over to the police who have asked me to document all of it. I’ve spoken to a lawyer and the battered women’s shelter who encourage me to file a restraining order. I am willing to do that in order to get this person out of my life forever. Why someone thinks that trying to hurt another by putting them down over and over and over while building themselves up into some monumental, false God will ever work out well for them, is beyond me.
In the meantime, I did what any healthy, subjugated female would do. I swore off relationships and went on a rampage of sexual exploration. This is the story of Rain Star’s self discovery… in 500/ish word installments 😘 In the next installment I will introduce you to an amazing couple that invited me into their lives and their bedroom. They’ve re-ignited my belief in positive, healthy relationships by showing me, first-hand, what mutuality truly looks like. So come, traipse through bedrooms, hotel rooms and sex clubs with the sex positive, ethical non-monogamous and poly people I've had the utmost pleasure of meeting!
Thank you for reading my journey of self-discovery, because it’s never too late to start your own and build your harem (AKA community of healthy, like-minded people) 😉
Author Chloe Adler
Here are some musings - Nothing fancy - no outline and no editor - just some stream of consciousness. If you're looking for the Journey of Rain Star (blog/story) you can find it here. If you want to read my books, please go here :)