I'm so happy this year is coming to a close. Like most years in recent memory it's been brutal. I've stopped asking when there will be a good year or even worrying about it because every year, from as far back as I can remember, has been crap. Not the entire year of course. There are always amazing events, wonderful epiphanies, beautiful friendships and growth but each and every year as a whole - not so much.
I’ll tell you how I measure. Not on a scale like: 40% was great and 60% was crap. Nope, I measure it by my overall feeling. Was I more discontented than contented? Did someone or someone's cause me more grief than happiness? And 2018 rides high on that scale.
In writing I did well. I got my 9th book published and my 13th written. I released three books on audible. I started a fun new blog.
Personally I did well. I ended an abusive relationship with a man who tried to control me, blame me, insult me, shame me and never stopped disrespecting my boundaries. But because of that I experienced much more grief than happiness.
And... it was worth it because this man’s obsessive compulsive behavior led me to reach out to a past boyfriend whom I had an amazing seven year relationship with, a decade ago. I’ll call him Gregory.
It’s interesting to me how one small thing can change the course of your life forever. Because my crazyhead ex wouldn’t respect my boundary of first - no contact for 1 week, then, no contact for 6 weeks and then, no contact forever I remembered how Gregory had.
When I broke up with Greg, ten years ago, I asked for no contact and being a healthy person, he respected my wishes and never contacted me again. It didn’t matter that we parted with each other’s things. It didn’t matter that feelings were not spoken. His three children didn’t play a part in it either. He simply respected my request and that was the end of that. As it should be. If you’re a woman who’s seldom heard or listened to, a woman who’s disrespected, a woman who’s harassed by a man or men; I don’t have to tell you how important this is. It’s respectful, it’s validating, it’s healthy and normal. It even eliminates drama and resentments.
Gregory and I have now reconnected and it’s been amazing. Beautiful and healthy and everything I remember. He’s not jealous, he’s not controlling or manipulative. He just respects me, my processes and accepts me for who I am and what I can give.
I don’t know where it will lead. I’m not looking for a happily ever after, just a happy for now. Maybe Gregory will be influential in helping 2019 be a better year than 2018 was. However, I am not pinning that responsibility on him as that would be unfair. I’m looking at my relationship with him as a new chapter. I’m open to all possibilities. And not only is it a romance trope, second chance love, we already know each other to a certain extent. We may not know the last ten years of each other’s lives but he knows the core of who I am and visa versa.
Traveling: I was able to travel in 2018. Some of it good and some of it not so much. I am traveling more in 2019. What I know about travel is that while it’s amazing and life affirming, it can also be difficult at times. So this coming year I’m going into it with open eyes and an open heart. Which leads me to… I had to close my heart (again) in 2018 for protection against abuse and now, in 2019, I get to open it and love once more.
Will 2019 be an amazing, all around year? I don’t think so but I sure hope it’s better than 2018 was!
Author Chloe Adler
Here are some musings - Nothing fancy - no outline and no editor - just some stream of consciousness. If you're looking for the Journey of Rain Star (blog/story) you can find it here. If you want to read my books, please go here :)