The younger version of myself used to talk about sex all the time. To friends, strangers, people who would listen and those who would not. It was completely inappropriate. I did not understand this at the time. I did it for shock value. I liked to see the looks on other people’s faces when I said something completely inappropriate or even disgusting.
Eventually I learned that I was talking about it for the wrong reasons. One of those reasons was that so I could feel wanted by men. I thought if a male wanted me sexually and desired me then I was a worthwhile human being. I told you, these topics weren’t necessary going to be sexy.
The situations behind that behavior don’t matter. What’s important was that at a young age I was taught that my entire self worth was determined by my sexual desirability. I genuinely thought that being sexy and pleasing men sexually made me loveable. Sad? Very! And it couldn’t be more untrue.
I also learned to use my sex appeal to get what I wanted. Manipulation. It’s what a lot of women are taught and I have mixed feelings about this aspect of it. The part I want to come back to and focus on is talking openly about sex.
Eventually I asked myself if there was a right way to do it. After some trial and error I found what works for me. I feel out the other person, not literally! I see where their boundaries are. For example I was with someone yesterday whom I consider to be a good friend. Her boundaries are narrow so I don’t say anything crass or detailed to her. I also don’t talk about my writing. She knows I write erotic romance and that’s all she knows about it. I am not keeping a “secret”, I am respecting where she is with the conversation. We have amazing conversations but we don’t talk about sex.
I have another close friend who I can say anything to and I do. We use raunchy words for body parts and discuss our sex lives in graphic detail. I always tell her that she is one of the few people in my life that I can say or tell anything to and there will be no shock or judgment. It’s important for me to have different types of people in my life. But it’s also important to meet them where they’re at and respect their boundaries.
As for talking about sex to strangers, I don’t do it anymore. I have some close male friends and I don’t really talk about it with them either. Gone is my need to manipulate men sexually and gone is my old thought process that if someone sees me as a sexual object than I am worthy. This did not happen overnight, it took a lot of inner work. And like most things, the conversation continues.