​The younger version of myself used to talk about sex all the time. To friends, strangers, people who would listen and those who would not. It was completely inappropriate. I did not understand this at the time. I did it for shock value. I liked to see the looks on other people’s faces when I said something completely inappropriate or even disgusting.
 
Eventually I learned that I was talking about it for the wrong reasons. One of those reasons was that so I could feel wanted by men. I thought if a male wanted me sexually and desired me then I was a worthwhile human being. I told you, these topics weren’t necessary going to be sexy.
 
The situations behind that behavior don’t matter. What’s important was that at a young age I was taught that my entire self worth was determined by my sexual desirability. I genuinely thought that being sexy and pleasing men sexually made me loveable. Sad? Very! And it couldn’t be more untrue.
 
I also learned to use my sex appeal to get what I wanted. Manipulation. It’s what a lot of women are taught and I have mixed feelings about this aspect of it. The part I want to come back to and focus on is talking openly about sex.
 
Eventually I asked myself if there was a right way to do it. After some trial and error I found what works for me. I feel out the other person, not literally! I see where their boundaries are. For example I was with someone yesterday whom I consider to be a good friend. Her boundaries are narrow so I don’t say anything crass or detailed to her. I also don’t talk about my writing. She knows I write erotic romance and that’s all she knows about it. I am not keeping a “secret”, I am respecting where she is with the conversation. We have amazing conversations but we don’t talk about sex.
 
I have another close friend who I can say anything to and I do. We use raunchy words for body parts and discuss our sex lives in graphic detail. I always tell her that she is one of the few people in my life that I can say or tell anything to and there will be no shock or judgment. It’s important for me to have different types of people in my life. But it’s also important to meet them where they’re at and respect their boundaries.
 
As for talking about sex to strangers, I don’t do it anymore. I have some close male friends and I don’t really talk about it with them either. Gone is my need to manipulate men sexually and gone is my old thought process that if someone sees me as a sexual object than I am worthy. This did not happen overnight, it took a lot of inner work. And like most things, the conversation continues.

​I have very strong feelings when it comes to the subject of whether to fake it or not. Fake what? The Big O. Why do women fake orgasms? That’s the first question that begs asking… I surmise there are two reasons but if there are more, please let me know!

1. They want the sex to end.
2. They don’t want their “partner” to feel inadequate.

I have never done it but I have certainly wanted to do it for the reasons above. First of all, as stated in my blog post “I was a teenage phone sex operator” I revealed that I completely suck at faking orgasms but that’s not why. I bet I could pull it off if I had to, now that I’m a little older.
 
I think that the partner I’m with should work at it and if they fail, they should know they failed. I used to have people tell me “no one is responsible for your orgasm but yourself” and while that is true to a certain extent I feel that if there is another person involved they should be present and helpful. Otherwise why bother with someone else sexually? Why not just masturbate?
 
I’ve had people get angry at me saying that they cannot “give” me an orgasm, I have to. Again, I disagree. I have no doubt that a person can give another person an orgasm. I have been responsible for giving many orgasms to men. Why should it be different for women? Because it’s more difficult? Because for some men it’s illusive? Bah! Ask and do it.
 
Have I had sexually unfulfilling relationships? Yes but only one, my marriage that lasted far too long. My ex-husband was never interested in my orgasm, only his own. And he taught me well. He taught me never to settle again and I haven’t. I’ve been with partners, male and female who find as much pleasure in giving as they do in receiving. Some even more so – giving. Personally I love to give. When my partner is pleasured, I feel satiated and happy.
 
But if I was faking my orgasm I would be doing a disservice to my partner. They wouldn’t be getting the best parts of me. I would be guarded. I would be lying. It feels dirty to me. If I’m with a partner who doesn’t or can’t give me an orgasm I’ll show them how. If I’m with a partner who doesn’t care, like my ex-husband, I leave. In my opinion - if a woman doesn’t enjoy sex or can’t have an orgasm, she should tell her partner or stop having sex. There are women who enjoy sex but can’t orgasm, that’s fine. Orgasm is not the end all be all for women, though it can be amazingly wonderful. Some women and even most women sometimes, can get emotional fulfillment and/or great sexual pleasure without orgasming. It’s difficult for some men to understand this but I’ve explained it before. Sometimes I just don’t feel like having one. Rarely, but it happens. I hesitate to type “communication is the key” but it kind of is… If he or she is the right person for you, they will be open to discussion and understand your feelings.  

During my late teenage years I was briefly employed as a phone sex operator.  It wasn’t live phone sex, it was recorded. The name? Cherry Prep. The idea? A bunch of  barely legal teen girls in an all girl prep school. The subjects? Losing virginity, sexual exploration and lesbianism. What was funny was that I had little to no experience in sex. I was no longer a virgin, just barely. I knew nothing about my body and was afraid of trying new things. The only female I’d ever been with (at that time) was Sharon Brown, my first kiss in second grade.
 
Basically I knew nothing and it showed. Sitting in a recording studio week after week behind a microphone and reading a script was the easy part. The character I played was a lesbian and I would record the scripts with another girl.
 
I was an actor in college getting my degree in theater so I could pull most of it off. I had a high squeaky voice and an innocence that couldn’t be hidden.
 
The producers, an older married couple, who were self proclaimed perverts, loved me. They loved my naïveté and as I came to learn later, they were sexually attracted to me.
 
The one thing that I could not do and never was able to do was fake an orgasm, on mic or off. And since I have so much to say on that particular subject I will devote another blog article to it.
 
I was so bad at faking an orgasm on mic that the producers and other actress would laugh, which is not the ideal reaction when you’re trying to get strangers off.
 
My co-actor/actress was always kind and as helpful as she could be and although I eventually came to the conclusion, years and years later that I am bisexual, at that time I had no idea.
 
I never got turned on reading the scripts which, in retrospect makes me think they probably weren’t very good. But for a long while I had a lot of fun.
 
One day the husband/male producer duct taped me to a chair, flipped it over so I was on my back and rubbed my pussy through my underwear. I was not attracted to him and that single act made me rethink what I was doing and stop.  It was aggressive and also known as sexual assault.
 
I bring that up not to put a negative spin on the experience or to claim I was a victim. I bring it up because all of these years later it’s interesting to look at in terms of goal, motivation and conflict which is something I’m trying to see in every situation.
 
My goal was to make money doing something fun. My motivation was to move out of the dorms. My conflict was the couple who ran the show, quite literally.
 
Their goal was twofold. Earning a living and to sleep with me as well as their other actors. Their motivation was driven by the need to pay their bills and their need for sexual conquest, not sexual satisfaction. The husband was a molester. Their conflict was bridging the gap between personal and professional conduct. In the end we all lost.
 
And now, all these years later, I get to put the feather in my cap that “once when I was 18, I did phone sex”.

“Psychopathic [killers] view their innocent victims as inhuman objects to be tormented and violated for their amusement.” Scott A. Bonn P.hD.     ~  How is this any different from how Brock Turner viewed his victim?

As promised – a blog about sex isn’t always sexy. Here is a look into the dark side. A rapist named Brock Allen Turner who will be set free on society to rape again and again and again. What can I say that hasn’t already been said?
 
What happened to the victim is irreprehensible and although she got justice through the outpouring of the masses, she is not getting justice from our court system. What a sick world we live in when a seventy six year old man gets life in prison for growing some marijuana plants in his back yard and a rapist gets three months for committing atrocities and violence against an innocent woman.
 
I need to point out that throughout this woman’s ordeal Rapist Brock Allen Turner has shown NO REMORSE!!!! This is classic psychopathic behavior yet no one has even mentioned this. Not only does he show zero remorse, he won’t admit he did anything wrong apart from drinking alcohol. He has exhibited zero empathy towards his victim and what he did to her!!! This needs to be discussed. He should be required to undergo severe psychiatric evaluation. There are so many things wrong here.
 
It’s beyond horrible that any woman gets raped, that there is any violence committed against women, that the rapist goes free with a mere “slap on the wrist”. He doesn’t even have to own up to what he did. He doesn’t have to look at it or address it. He feels victimized because he lost out on a swimming career. HE SHOULD LOSE EVERYTHING – just like the victim has. He should not be allowed to walk among us exhibiting psychopathic behavior. As long as Rapist Brock Allen Turner and other men like him are free in our society, your daughters, friends, mothers and sisters are not safe.
 
Psychology Today defines the difference between sociopaths and psychopaths even though the general public often use the words interchangeably. After reading this article it looks like Brock is a psychopath. Psychology Today’s writer Scott A Bonn, P.hD. says: “Psychopathy is the most dangerous of all antisocial personality disorders because of the way psychopaths dissociate emotionally from their actions, regardless of how terrible those actions may be.”
 
There are millions of men who are kind, good, loving and compassionate. Brock Allen Turner IS NOT ONE OF THOSE MEN (and neither is his father)! They should be on their knees begging the victim for her forgiveness and the fact that they’re not is a clear indication that there is something psychologically wrong with them. Zero empathy = a personality disorder. Whatever the cause, the cure is imprisonment and rehabilitation. Perhaps even psychiatric medication. Why is this not even being addressed?
 
Please share this on your social media platforms!
 
Further recommended reading:
The Victim’s Powerful Letter
An Article About the Heros
​

I chose to start blogging about sex not to be risqué or go against social norms, there is plenty of sex writing dedicated to that.

I decided to blog about sex because I realized I have something to say. But what I have to say isn’t always going to be sexy. Sex has different meanings for everyone. The subject of sex comes with trappings. The bottom line is that sex can be sexy and/or sex can be ugly.

It’s colored by emotions associated to experiences. Some people, at different times in their lives, may seek sex for longing and excitement. Or someone may use sex for acceptance and connection. There are sexual predators. There’s simple sex and complicated sex. Hidden sex that’s not talked about, and sex out in the open, in our faces. There is shame around sex. There is sex for love and the love of sex. It’s such a rich topic with so  many variations.

At first I thought “I’ll write about sex only as it pertains to being sexy” and I wrote my first blog post. After all, the idea of a hot eighteen year old girl as a phone sex operator is sexy. But that chapter of my life wasn’t sexy for me, meaning I didn’t embark on that “career” because I was a free spirit or because I was horny or even because I was open minded about sex. And it didn’t end well.

I had to look at GMC (goal, motivation and conflict) for both myself and for the people who ran that business. Do I want to sugar coat my blog entries and make them sexy or do I want to tell the truth even if the truth isn’t always hot?

My novels are sexy because they stem from fantasy. If I’m going to blog about my real life why should I spin it or hold back? Life doesn’t always have an HEA (happily ever after) and it’s not usually tied up with a pretty little bow.

​I encourage you to read my entries and see if they resonate with you. I write to entertain but mostly I write because if my experiences, thoughts, desires, feelings can help even one person – it’s all worth-while. So here come my musings in a non-chronological order. 

I went on Tinder, not for research but it's turned out to be perfect for that. For those of you who don't know what Tinder is - it's a phone dating app that may or may not be based on that old misogynistic "hot or not" rating site. Tinder on the other hand is for both sexes and it connects you with the men (or women) you deem "hot" (or smart or interesting, or in my case humorous as that's very important to me). You see a photo or a series of photos, you can set your preferences for age range and distance only. They can write a 500 character profile but most don't. Then if you like the person you swipe right and if you don't, you swipe left. If they have swiped right on you, you "match" and can then text/im one another through the Tinder app in real time.

Of course the first burning question readers may (and should) have is: "Was I successful?" Not the first time (in which I gave it one month) but the second time (in also one month) YES! I was about to delete it when Mr. Right and I matched and he made the first move. I also have several friends who are in LTRs d/t Tinder.

The first time I was on I wasn't serious and I had oodles of fun (and I don't mean "just" the physical kind).

​As an erotica author - I must write about my two "purely research" projects ala Tinder.

I matched with one man who claimed to be a lifestyle BDSM submissive. And since that's what my currently novel is about I swiped right. After a brief tête-à-tête he asked me what the "kinkiest thing I've ever done was" to which I responded "that's subjective, what about you?" He replied "Scat!!!" I am not one to judge but that's not for me so I responded with "Not for me, hard limit." His response = :( My next response: "But I've always wanted to find a willing sub to play pierce." And his final quick reply... "I am NOT into blood!" and he then immediately deleted me. I am still laughing about this. Blood is gross but rub me up and down with poop, oh yeah! Huh? I loved it so much this will definitely make it into one of my novels!

The other fun incident was when I matched with a guy and during our conversation I asked him "so what's up with guys sending dick pics"? (An aside: this is my absolute favorite hysterical: "Dick Pics Guide") and he responded with whatever his thoughts were... though my friend DZ had a much more impressive and I believe "true" reason. Tinder guy stated that men are insecure about their members and thus want approval from women. DZ suggests that they are doing it for themselves, not the women and the idea that a woman may be looking at their privates is a sexual thrill. He states that men perhaps think women view it the same way as when men look at or receive pics of boobs and female nether-regions. I explained to TMan that a disembodied male part is not the same for women without the context of the male attached to it. "Once we really like you, we're bound to really like your C@C%" I explained. TMan went on to tell me he would never do such a thing but he would masturbate for me over skype. Wanting to see if he would indeed do the deed I agreed but only if my girlfriend, who was over at the time, could watch too. "Two are better than one," He lit up. Within minutes he was face-timing me and sure enough.... he unabashedly performed the J-Off with us watching (and trying really hard not to giggle). I didn't want to laugh "at him" I wanted to laugh at the whole scenario. His nickname is J-OffMan now.

Afterwards he actually wanted to date me???!!! Huh? That part I'm still unsure about. And even this overly sexual erotica author had to decline.

I chose to start blogging about sex not to be risqué or go against social norms, there is plenty of sex writing dedicated to that.

I decided to blog about sex because I realized I have something to say. But what I have to say isn’t always going to be sexy. Sex has different meanings for everyone. The subject of sex comes with trappings. The bottom line is that sex can be sexy and/or sex can be ugly.

It’s colored by emotions associated to experiences. Some people, at different times in their lives, may seek sex for longing and excitement. Or someone may use sex for acceptance and connection. There are sexual predators. There’s simple sex and complicated sex. Hidden sex that’s not talked about, and sex out in the open, in our faces. There is shame around sex. There is sex for love and the love of sex. It’s such a rich topic with so  many variations.

At first I thought “I’ll write about sex only as it pertains to being sexy” and I wrote my first blog post. After all, the idea of a hot eighteen year old girl as a phone sex operator is sexy. But that chapter of my life wasn’t sexy for me, meaning I didn’t embark on that “career” because I was a free spirit or because I was horny or even because I was open minded about sex. And it didn’t end well.

I had to look at GMC (goal, motivation and conflict) for both myself and for the people who ran that business. Do I want to sugar coat my blog entries and make them sexy or do I want to tell the truth even if the truth isn’t always hot?

My novels are sexy because they stem from fantasy. If I’m going to blog about my real life why should I spin it or hold back? Life doesn’t always have an HEA (happily ever after) and it’s not usually tied up with a pretty little bow.

​I encourage you to read my entries and see if they resonate with you. I write to entertain but mostly I write because if my experiences, thoughts, desires, feelings can help even one person – it’s all worth-while. So here come my musings in a non-chronological order. ​