The younger version of myself used to talk about sex all the time. To friends, strangers, people who would listen and those who would not. It was completely inappropriate. I did not understand this at the time. I did it for shock value. I liked to see the looks on other people’s faces when I said something completely inappropriate or even disgusting.
Eventually I learned that I was talking about it for the wrong reasons. One of those reasons was that so I could feel wanted by men. I thought if a male wanted me sexually and desired me then I was a worthwhile human being. I told you, these topics weren’t necessary going to be sexy.
The situations behind that behavior don’t matter. What’s important was that at a young age I was taught that my entire self worth was determined by my sexual desirability. I genuinely thought that being sexy and pleasing men sexually made me loveable. Sad? Very! And it couldn’t be more untrue.
I also learned to use my sex appeal to get what I wanted. Manipulation. It’s what a lot of women are taught and I have mixed feelings about this aspect of it. The part I want to come back to and focus on is talking openly about sex.
Eventually I asked myself if there was a right way to do it. After some trial and error I found what works for me. I feel out the other person, not literally! I see where their boundaries are. For example I was with someone yesterday whom I consider to be a good friend. Her boundaries are narrow so I don’t say anything crass or detailed to her. I also don’t talk about my writing. She knows I write erotic romance and that’s all she knows about it. I am not keeping a “secret”, I am respecting where she is with the conversation. We have amazing conversations but we don’t talk about sex.
I have another close friend who I can say anything to and I do. We use raunchy words for body parts and discuss our sex lives in graphic detail. I always tell her that she is one of the few people in my life that I can say or tell anything to and there will be no shock or judgment. It’s important for me to have different types of people in my life. But it’s also important to meet them where they’re at and respect their boundaries.
As for talking about sex to strangers, I don’t do it anymore. I have some close male friends and I don’t really talk about it with them either. Gone is my need to manipulate men sexually and gone is my old thought process that if someone sees me as a sexual object than I am worthy. This did not happen overnight, it took a lot of inner work. And like most things, the conversation continues.
“Psychopathic [killers] view their innocent victims as inhuman objects to be tormented and violated for their amusement.” Scott A. Bonn P.hD. ~ How is this any different from how Brock Turner viewed his victim?
As promised – a blog about sex isn’t always sexy. Here is a look into the dark side. A rapist named Brock Allen Turner who will be set free on society to rape again and again and again. What can I say that hasn’t already been said?
What happened to the victim is irreprehensible and although she got justice through the outpouring of the masses, she is not getting justice from our court system. What a sick world we live in when a seventy six year old man gets life in prison for growing some marijuana plants in his back yard and a rapist gets three months for committing atrocities and violence against an innocent woman.
I need to point out that throughout this woman’s ordeal Rapist Brock Allen Turner has shown NO REMORSE!!!! This is classic psychopathic behavior yet no one has even mentioned this. Not only does he show zero remorse, he won’t admit he did anything wrong apart from drinking alcohol. He has exhibited zero empathy towards his victim and what he did to her!!! This needs to be discussed. He should be required to undergo severe psychiatric evaluation. There are so many things wrong here.
It’s beyond horrible that any woman gets raped, that there is any violence committed against women, that the rapist goes free with a mere “slap on the wrist”. He doesn’t even have to own up to what he did. He doesn’t have to look at it or address it. He feels victimized because he lost out on a swimming career. HE SHOULD LOSE EVERYTHING – just like the victim has. He should not be allowed to walk among us exhibiting psychopathic behavior. As long as Rapist Brock Allen Turner and other men like him are free in our society, your daughters, friends, mothers and sisters are not safe.
Psychology Today defines the difference between sociopaths and psychopaths even though the general public often use the words interchangeably. After reading this article it looks like Brock is a psychopath. Psychology Today’s writer Scott A Bonn, P.hD. says: “Psychopathy is the most dangerous of all antisocial personality disorders because of the way psychopaths dissociate emotionally from their actions, regardless of how terrible those actions may be.”
There are millions of men who are kind, good, loving and compassionate. Brock Allen Turner IS NOT ONE OF THOSE MEN (and neither is his father)! They should be on their knees begging the victim for her forgiveness and the fact that they’re not is a clear indication that there is something psychologically wrong with them. Zero empathy = a personality disorder. Whatever the cause, the cure is imprisonment and rehabilitation. Perhaps even psychiatric medication. Why is this not even being addressed?
Please share this on your social media platforms!
Further recommended reading:
The Victim’s Powerful Letter
An Article About the Heros
I chose to start blogging about sex not to be risqué or go against social norms, there is plenty of sex writing dedicated to that.
I decided to blog about sex because I realized I have something to say. But what I have to say isn’t always going to be sexy. Sex has different meanings for everyone. The subject of sex comes with trappings. The bottom line is that sex can be sexy and/or sex can be ugly.
It’s colored by emotions associated to experiences. Some people, at different times in their lives, may seek sex for longing and excitement. Or someone may use sex for acceptance and connection. There are sexual predators. There’s simple sex and complicated sex. Hidden sex that’s not talked about, and sex out in the open, in our faces. There is shame around sex. There is sex for love and the love of sex. It’s such a rich topic with so many variations.
At first I thought “I’ll write about sex only as it pertains to being sexy” and I wrote my first blog post. After all, the idea of a hot eighteen year old girl as a phone sex operator is sexy. But that chapter of my life wasn’t sexy for me, meaning I didn’t embark on that “career” because I was a free spirit or because I was horny or even because I was open minded about sex. And it didn’t end well.
I had to look at GMC (goal, motivation and conflict) for both myself and for the people who ran that business. Do I want to sugar coat my blog entries and make them sexy or do I want to tell the truth even if the truth isn’t always hot?
My novels are sexy because they stem from fantasy. If I’m going to blog about my real life why should I spin it or hold back? Life doesn’t always have an HEA (happily ever after) and it’s not usually tied up with a pretty little bow.
I encourage you to read my entries and see if they resonate with you. I write to entertain but mostly I write because if my experiences, thoughts, desires, feelings can help even one person – it’s all worth-while. So here come my musings in a non-chronological order.
I went on Tinder, not for research but it's turned out to be perfect for that. For those of you who don't know what Tinder is - it's a phone dating app that may or may not be based on that old misogynistic "hot or not" rating site. Tinder on the other hand is for both sexes and it connects you with the men (or women) you deem "hot" (or smart or interesting, or in my case humorous as that's very important to me). You see a photo or a series of photos, you can set your preferences for age range and distance only. They can write a 500 character profile but most don't. Then if you like the person you swipe right and if you don't, you swipe left. If they have swiped right on you, you "match" and can then text/im one another through the Tinder app in real time.
Of course the first burning question readers may (and should) have is: "Was I successful?" Not the first time (in which I gave it one month) but the second time (in also one month) YES! I was about to delete it when Mr. Right and I matched and he made the first move. I also have several friends who are in LTRs d/t Tinder.
The first time I was on I wasn't serious and I had oodles of fun (and I don't mean "just" the physical kind).
As an erotica author - I must write about my two "purely research" projects ala Tinder.
I matched with one man who claimed to be a lifestyle BDSM submissive. And since that's what my currently novel is about I swiped right. After a brief tête-à-tête he asked me what the "kinkiest thing I've ever done was" to which I responded "that's subjective, what about you?" He replied "Scat!!!" I am not one to judge but that's not for me so I responded with "Not for me, hard limit." His response = :( My next response: "But I've always wanted to find a willing sub to play pierce." And his final quick reply... "I am NOT into blood!" and he then immediately deleted me. I am still laughing about this. Blood is gross but rub me up and down with poop, oh yeah! Huh? I loved it so much this will definitely make it into one of my novels!
The other fun incident was when I matched with a guy and during our conversation I asked him "so what's up with guys sending dick pics"? (An aside: this is my absolute favorite hysterical: "Dick Pics Guide") and he responded with whatever his thoughts were... though my friend DZ had a much more impressive and I believe "true" reason. Tinder guy stated that men are insecure about their members and thus want approval from women. DZ suggests that they are doing it for themselves, not the women and the idea that a woman may be looking at their privates is a sexual thrill. He states that men perhaps think women view it the same way as when men look at or receive pics of boobs and female nether-regions. I explained to TMan that a disembodied male part is not the same for women without the context of the male attached to it. "Once we really like you, we're bound to really like your C@C%" I explained. TMan went on to tell me he would never do such a thing but he would masturbate for me over skype. Wanting to see if he would indeed do the deed I agreed but only if my girlfriend, who was over at the time, could watch too. "Two are better than one," He lit up. Within minutes he was face-timing me and sure enough.... he unabashedly performed the J-Off with us watching (and trying really hard not to giggle). I didn't want to laugh "at him" I wanted to laugh at the whole scenario. His nickname is J-OffMan now.
Afterwards he actually wanted to date me???!!! Huh? That part I'm still unsure about. And even this overly sexual erotica author had to decline.